Deuce Ex Machina

To Asif Kameena Zardari, just shut up, for the love or for the lack of God, just SHUT THE HELL UP!

To those applauding censorship, SHUT UP! Get it, get it, get it, GET IT!

To the gun-toting-religio-fundo-motivated-fringe-element, out there, GO AHEAD PUNK, MAKE MY DAY!

To the Islamic Republic of Absurdistan, bus buhat ho gaya, ab ghar wapis ajao, tumhe kuch nahi kaha jayay ga!

Floody Ak-47s

To those whining ad nauseum about the state of Pakistan, SHUT UP! Go spend a day there and actually make a difference if you have the balls! You can have me as your slave for the rest of the year? Even trade? Lets see!

To those of you discounting the efforts of ex-pats, really, SHUT UP! We make more of a difference every day just by setting an example, than you do in a lifetime of air-conditioned, chauffeured, constructed living!

To those who said dialogue doesn’t matter….

To those dying to tell me where I went all wrong, ESPECIALLY SHUT UP, I already know, MOFO!

To the age-old question, “why are you still single?” TEAM SHEILA FTW!

Kisi aur ki mujhko zaroorat kya,

Main toh khud se pyaar jataun

To those still wondering if Munni has anything on Sheila: Seely, Seely, Seely, Seely Bois…O!

To those preaching organized religion, save the snake oil! I’ve been preached harder, and remained resistant!

To those maligning cricket, SHUT UP, that’s all we have, go kick some other orphan’s only pleasure.

To those who voted conservative yet again, SHUT UP! O Canada, that’s what you get for myopia & xenophobia!

To the serial projectionist, MOFO, apne gairaban mai jhaank!

To those editorializing me, SHUT UP, innovation has no bounds, and did you even hear what I was saying???

Did You Even Hear What I Just Said???

To those proposing marriage, really? I should say yes, just because you are male? SHUT UP!

To all of you lacking in pedigree, just because I am not tacky enough to point out mine…nuff said.

To the fascist cop who booked me for speeding, and then asked for my number? Seriously SHUT UP! You are not the law of me!!!

To all the boys who thought they had a shot, seriously, is THAT your pick up line? SHUT UP! You may want to trade it in, along with your 1989 Grand Am, and your attitude.

To all those cat-meme-slapstick-loving-youtube-sharing retards, I HAZ ANGST, and it ain’t cute, SHUT IT!

I CAN HAZ HEARTBURN, MOFO!

To all those urging me to try harder, seriously???? SHUT UP! Why don’t you get in this creek and try paddling without an oar!

To the sisters telling me it’s my weight keeping the men away, trust me, it’s my attitude!

To all the mens extolling my attributes, really I was hoping for something deeper then a “masaladar chappair”!

To those who kept me waiting, you know the situation will be reversed soon, kya hua tera wada, woh qasam, woh iradaa?

To the multiple married dudes, I SAID NO, A-HOLE!

Choices is what differentiates us....

To the stalker dude, yeah those stories are autobiographical. HAPPY NOW????

To the “Oh so bitter dude”, SHUT UP! You ain’t no bowl of red Jell-O yourself, sugarplum!

To the “Hey, can I have some free advice?” Brigade — here’s some: I now charge, PAY UP or SHUT UP!

To the economy, SHUT UP, its really you stupid!

To YOU, seriously I’m human, be gentle, OUCH!

And just generally speaking, SHUT UP, I am so sick of all of it, its not even funny. Prove me wrong 20-Teens, prove me bloody wrong! Here’s to a clean slate!

Open Mouth: Insert Chaand Taraa!